So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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