I just gift wrapped bread.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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