dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
