"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
