My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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