Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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