Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
