then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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