I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
