So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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