well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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