Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize