I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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