respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize