just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
