He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize