I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
