how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
