I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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