Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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