you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
