if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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