Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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