my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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