a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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