i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
