My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
