Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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