if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
