Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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