She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
