Life is so much better after having sex.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
