Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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