Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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