Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The Olympian is in my bed
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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