I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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