I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
