You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
