hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
