I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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