Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
