I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
