You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Randomize
