he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
