Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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