I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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