and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
