i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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