Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
