There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
