my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
