i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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