According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
