He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
