I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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