Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize