I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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