I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
