My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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